I haven't posted anything in a while, so I thought I might as well say something.

I've never felt this detached before in my life. I keep imagining what it would be like to no longer be considered human on the basis of my body, so that I could finally be something else. Some aspects of my autism have been coming out more clearly, and it's funny to talk to other autistics. They see straight through the entire game and the entire set-up I've made for myself, and know my true emotions without trying.

There is so little that I can find to be sacred or profane. There is so little that really convinces me of right and wrong in an absolute sense. The things that do are a conglomeration of random things I'll find and modern ethics, which is just a reflection of our postmodern times. I can barely understand the logic behind why the hell I would ever want to have friends, let alone lovers. (laughs) Yet, I believe that the only way to live with any logic is to love others.

It's true, I fear life.
However, I've found myself in a spot where I feel I am behind a window, observing myself behind a one-way mirror.
I am a prisoner, sitting inside a complex prison in which I know every single nook and cranny, every color, every stretch of concrete, every sound, and every breath of every soul there.

At one point in Storm of Stars, my sci-fi manuscript, the character Alden asks another character, "What if insanity is happiness? Whatever truth and happiness are, I will take them for what they are." I can finally apply his answer in a way that pleases me. I am surrounded by people who have split their mental faculties into a secular thinking and a spiritual thinking. One of the most unexplored subjects in Mormonism (in canonized literature) is the progression of the spirit. All that is said is along the lines of "grace for grace," adding light to one's being until it is full of light, and so forth. People are respected if they act religious, and so fakers can multiply like bunnies, and people truly searching for truth feel so weak in the faith. In my opinion, secular thinking and spiritual thinking should not be separate. People would argue that doing such a thing would lead people away from spirituality, because it's impossible to think in the same ways and have them both be true.
I think I smell cultural schemas.

In India, the way to show reverence is to be as loud as possible. The goddesses cannot be honored if you're not expressing your devotion with vivid sensory stimuli, such as yelling, body paint, self-mutilation, firewalking, so on and so forth. In Mormon culture, the way to show reverence is stillness of body and mind. Apparently, the spirit cannot be understood or heard if one is not still.

Every day that goes by, I realize more and more that I am a Jedi by the definition of the Academy. ([link])

Current beliefs that might change by tomorrow:
--All things that exist are reflective of patterns, harmonies, melodies, rhythms in one great symphony. All things are made up of frequencies that change with interaction.
--After death, we go to the ones we love. When I say love here, I mean that the love is mutual between the two subjects. All knowledge there is conglomerated, and all beings become that much more omniscient with each death. I believe that the universe is constantly expanding, and that there is no end to time, space, possibility, or love.