Warning now, lots of unrequited love ranting. If you don't care for it, don't read.

My apologies for the last entry. I just vented a few things that I didn't feel like I can really say to anyone to have them understand what's going on. I'm not talking about the bit about my religion, I'm referring to the part where I ranted again about someone I care about. I miss a person that I'm never going to see again. Sure, I pine. I know I pine and that I pine badly. I also know that I'll take the words of people that I care about and ingrain them to no end. I tried really hard when he left to not care about it, and to just swallow the fact that the person that he was would never exist again. I just hurt myself in the process, and now I'm trying to understand how to do what I need to do--which is just to get over him. I just broke up with his best friend last month over letters.
It shouldn't be a big deal. I haven't seen either of them in over a year, almost two. I'm trying to not make it such.

I'm going home to a family that I hate because my sister promised me a job. I applied to 38 places in this town, and I only got luck with one, which I was fired from without decorum. My sister promised me a job at home, and my parents are now convinced that I'm not going to be able to find another one while I'm there--something that I had continually told them since last August. My family has demanded that I return home and that I not hang out with any of my friends that I have at home, telling me that they're evil and not people that they approve of. It would seem that my family believes that they are my emotional support, and my only needful source of support, and that anyone else is secondary. Anyone else can be cast off as easily as my family moves. My brother has repeatedly had conversations with me about how he's so detached from his friends and how family is everything, and all I can wonder is "Have you ever had a meaningful friendship? Ever?"

My research is cluttered and my grades are going to be shot to sh@t because mentally, I cannot focus. I can't write what I want to write because I'm supposed to be focusing on schoolwork. I can't pursue relationships with women here. I'm living in a community and college where LDS life is law. Yes, I did choose that two years ago, and I'm not happy with it now. I had many choices, and this is the one that I took. I'm going to see it through. Besides, any relationship that I would pursue, man or woman would be to forget the one that I'm never going to have.