I haven't posted anything in a while, so I thought I might as well say something.

I've never felt this detached before in my life. I keep imagining what it would be like to no longer be considered human on the basis of my body, so that I could finally be something else. Some aspects of my autism have been coming out more clearly, and it's funny to talk to other autistics. They see straight through the entire game and the entire set-up I've made for myself, and know my true emotions without trying.

There is so little that I can find to be sacred or profane. There is so little that really convinces me of right and wrong in an absolute sense. The things that do are a conglomeration of random things I'll find and modern ethics, which is just a reflection of our postmodern times. I can barely understand the logic behind why the hell I would ever want to have friends, let alone lovers. (laughs) Yet, I believe that the only way to live with any logic is to love others.

It's true, I fear life.
However, I've found myself in a spot where I feel I am behind a window, observing myself behind a one-way mirror.
I am a prisoner, sitting inside a complex prison in which I know every single nook and cranny, every color, every stretch of concrete, every sound, and every breath of every soul there.

At one point in Storm of Stars, my sci-fi manuscript, the character Alden asks another character, "What if insanity is happiness? Whatever truth and happiness are, I will take them for what they are." I can finally apply his answer in a way that pleases me. I am surrounded by people who have split their mental faculties into a secular thinking and a spiritual thinking. One of the most unexplored subjects in Mormonism (in canonized literature) is the progression of the spirit. All that is said is along the lines of "grace for grace," adding light to one's being until it is full of light, and so forth. People are respected if they act religious, and so fakers can multiply like bunnies, and people truly searching for truth feel so weak in the faith. In my opinion, secular thinking and spiritual thinking should not be separate. People would argue that doing such a thing would lead people away from spirituality, because it's impossible to think in the same ways and have them both be true.
I think I smell cultural schemas.

In India, the way to show reverence is to be as loud as possible. The goddesses cannot be honored if you're not expressing your devotion with vivid sensory stimuli, such as yelling, body paint, self-mutilation, firewalking, so on and so forth. In Mormon culture, the way to show reverence is stillness of body and mind. Apparently, the spirit cannot be understood or heard if one is not still.

Every day that goes by, I realize more and more that I am a Jedi by the definition of the Academy. ([link])

Current beliefs that might change by tomorrow:
--All things that exist are reflective of patterns, harmonies, melodies, rhythms in one great symphony. All things are made up of frequencies that change with interaction.
--After death, we go to the ones we love. When I say love here, I mean that the love is mutual between the two subjects. All knowledge there is conglomerated, and all beings become that much more omniscient with each death. I believe that the universe is constantly expanding, and that there is no end to time, space, possibility, or love.

A happy twin birth- two decades to your health
One year left, another year of spiritual wealth
Good luck; I'm still waiting.

At the moment, I decided to make God the focus of my heart and mind, which is a decision I get to make every other minute. I haven't felt so at peace with my past and my self since before I was raped. Nothing that I have lived through hurts anymore. No other remedy has worked as well as this, so I'm keeping it.

I don't have anything to direct my frustration at except for the little projects I have like my dragon plushie, the Ion cheagle plushie, and the quilt that I need to go get stuffing and backing for.

I've involved myself in somebody's life again and he's had me wrapped around his thoughts for months. I've only known him IRL for 3-4 hours, but I fell for this one like a rock. I want to cut myself up for liking someone else again. I hate the fact that I need love and support and that I have to ask for favors just to get by. Over the last year, my ideology of homosexuals living together has changed radically. I would vote a resounding NOOOOO on Proposition 8 if I had the chance. Being bisexual, I can't make the choice for others that I've made for myself--it's very hard. It's really hard to stay straight on a campus that has more women (and a wider range of beauty of women) than men, however, the socio-religious structures here makes it incredibly difficult to get a date with a woman, and I haven't dared try because of my religious beliefs and the fact that I don't have a clue as to what other homosexual/bisexual women are in town. Thank God that I haven't had an incestual urge or dream in ages, or I swear some serious self-harm would be happening.

Usually, I lean more to liking guys, but I feel like I'm in a pool of stereotypes. The one person that has killed every expectation I've had about him tells me that he would die for me. I just asked him in a letter if he would live for me, and I realized post-fact what I could have been implying. So many of my Aspie traits came out in that letter, and goddammit, I did not mean to push the envelope of a relationship yet! It's a year and a half before I'll see the guy again, and my first reaction to a guy caring about me is to get something started?! (resists strangling self) The sane reaction to this is: "If he's really that caring about you, he'll set you straight, if you're off the path at all. If not, he's not for you." I get to wait about two weeks or longer to see what he does.

Classes are hard, and Philosophy is the most boring thing I have ever sat through. I don't have a job. I've applied for 30 jobs, and I've still got nothing. I'm still trying. I'm still fighting. I can't get over something that a good friend of mine said, and so I just get really pissed every single time that I see him. I'm trying to forgive him for what he said, but just thinking about it gets me so frustrated.

I've got a lot of plans. Things have changed for my trip to India. I'm going to leave in Fall, go for the entire semester, and be fluent in Telugu when I get back. If I can't find a job in town, I'm going to go home and work. Either way, I need to finish my thesis proposal for funding if I want to do my ASD project before I go to India...

AUGH, FREAKIN' STRESS! HATESPEEEEEW.

Glyf, I hope your class gets better. D:

My family taught by example in how to stop talk you didn't like, and end things you didn't like happening. While I do my best to be friends with all I find, there's going to be someone that I'm going to have some friction with. While it's taken a long time to learn, I can state my opinion clearly and loudly, and if I don't like what you're saying, I'm going to be very careful in how I react. Again, thanks to my upbringing, I've learned that anger is not a dish to be served like hot sauce and steaming chicken wings. It's better if served like wasabi ice cream, unless the recipient wants the honest expression of your feelings. If they don't care, have fun with your presentation of your true meaning.

If you attack me, I won't give much of a care. After two suicide attempts over bullying and some time, I've gotten over the importance of assumptive and casual social relationships. However, if you attack, abuse, or make people I consider my true friends scared, I will not hold back. I will particularly defend people I have made certain promises with. Because of my own issues, I daily reassert the fact every day that I do not fear death. The real challenge is learning not to fear life.

I've realized recently how much of a hermit I would be if I owned my own place and had a steady job. I would never come out of the shell I would build for myself. Deep down, that's one of the reasons I picked anthropology as a subject, as I will always be studying and talking and interviewing people in order to support my work. However, I still want to write fiction more than anything else in my entire life. I'm writing more of Storm of Stars right now. I love this bloody story to death.